Torn Between Two Lovers … Feeling Like a Geekdorknerd

10 Jul

Oh, you probably don’t know who I am referring to in the title.  Let me bring you up to speed.

In my last post, I proclaimed that I was going to dust off the treadmill and start running.  Baby steps have to be taken because I have never been a runner in the truest sense of the word.  However, I do love the idea of being a runner.  I am also obsessed with my laptop and the internet lately.  I know I need to disconnect once in a while, but it is so hard during the summer when I am tired and bored.  It’s not only my stress reliever but also my primary source of entertainment.

After speaking with a consultant on Thursday, I decided to marry my two lovers rather than making excuses.  Oh, yes, I am totally going to love my new relationship with T-Pain and Sweetmeat.  (Yes, I chose T-Pain because beauty is painful.  Sweetmeat has always been my laptop’s name even though I never declared it here on the blog.)

Just for my girl, Citizen Janey,  I am going to consummate this new relationship by watching Mad Men Seasons 1-3 on my new SurfShelf.

Workout.  Have fun.  Get things done. Email.  Chat.  Tweet.  Plurk.  Blog.  YouTube.  Dance.  Hulu.  Facebook.  Netflix.  Surf until the weight is gone.  Whatever it takes.

It’s only a matter of time before I have people standing up and saluting my ass.

Run, CV, Run

8 Jul

Running endangers lives.

The only time you will catch me running is if something is chasing me.

Yeah, yeah.  I have said both of those repeatedly in the past.   However, I have a treadmill that is collecting dust sitting right in front of me, a fortieth birthday in six months and 13 days, and a love of wine and food.  Yes, I am joining another cult of insanity.   Everyone keeps telling me that running is a mental sport.  Well, that’s just perfect because we all know that I am insane.

Holy Fuck-a-moly!  I just stated that I am going to be a runner.  The perfectionist in me says, “Now you have to do it, or you will be a failure.”  The Psycho Hose Beast in me chimes in, “It’s cheaper than therapy.”

Now that I have the courage to start I need your help with naming my treadmill.  You know that I name all of my electronics.  I think the reason I haven’t been able to begin my running journey is I haven’t named the belted machine.  Your vote may help to decide what my arch nemesis will be forever known as on I Read Banned Books.

  1. C. O. L. B. E. R. T.
  2. Jillian
  3. Salmon
  4. T-Pain
  5. Dreadmill
  6. Jack
  7. MotiVader
  8. Miley
  9. Pre
  10. Jesse
  11. Wilma
  12. Gumption
  13. Other: ____________________

What are you waiting for? Rock the Vote, People.

Who knows?  Maybe I will become one of those freaks with an I Big Read Puffy Heart Running sticker on Ruby’s bumper.

Stumped

7 Jul

My Patriotic Heart Beats Red, White, And Blue

4 Jul

See No Evil. Hear No Evil. Marry No Evil.

30 Jun

I think I cock-blocked my husband today when he made a sponge-worthy attempt at drive-by sexting.

Boog:  Oooo. Gay guy flirting with me.  Must be the new do.

CV:  I’m not jealous.

Boog:  It’s fuck ass hot.

CV:  So we unpacked our adjectives?

Boog:  My ball sweat awaits your ministrations.

CV:  Take a number.

Boog:  Who else is getting their balls wiped that I need a number?

CV:  The management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone.

Boog:  There has been an overabundance of refusal.

CV:  It’s good to want things; it builds character.

Don’t you wish your wife was a psycho hose beast like me?

You Bet Your Socially Awkward Ass

23 Jun

Good Grief!

22 Jun

I neglected to mention that we no longer have Three Beotches.  Kittle, the youngest pussy, unexpectedly passed away a little over two weeks ago.  While she was 11ish years old, she was very healthy.  The vet seems to think that she went into cardiac arrest based on some symptoms Boog had witnessed a couple of days prior to finding her lifeless body.  She is the first pet we have lost as a couple.  I dislike it more than I can verbalize at the moment.  It hurts.  Period.

Before I go any further, please note that if anyone sends me a link to “The Rainbow Bridge” I will rip you a new one.

While our lives have been disrupted, we are slowly moving on.  Xora and Pekoe are not.  In fact, they are rather distressed if you ask me.   Yes, non-pet owners, pet grief is real. We are doing our best to give them individual attention and reassurance; however, this has been a challenge with their undeniable fear and loathing of The Holy Terrors.  While they have not always been the most sociable cats, Xora and Pekoe are searching, crying out (yowling and meowing incessantly), and pining for Kittle.  There appear to be some sleep pattern changes, loss of interest in favorite activities, sulking and separation anxiety, depression, and eating pattern changes.   Both weight and hair loss and inappropriate toileting are also evidenced.   In a nutshell, they are mourning.  We can only hope that time will heal their wounds and silence their increased vocalization.  I do not know how much more of this “chatter” I can take and am considering using a little music to soothe the savage beasts breasts in the next room.

How is this for a little rainbow connection?

“Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.”

~ William Congreve

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