I Read Banned Books

I had my fill of three of my favorite things on earth today.  First, there was the yummy Vin Diesel in Babylon A.D. (By the way, the movie was not his best, but it was a fine return for an actor who has displayed in other movies like A Man Apart that he is not just brawn.)  Second, I enjoyed an early delicious dinner at the Church of Sushi with Boog.  And, finally, speaking of my first husband, he declared over the worship service that he wants to move to England and raise goats.  There is no need to reread that last part.  He maintains that he wants to have about 100 goats, 90 regular goats to raise and sell to people to eat and 10 fainting goats for our entertainment.

And, no, he was not drinking or joking.  Dontcha wish your husband was a geek like mine?

GULP!  I have a confession to make.  Here goes:  I have not been reading your blogs.  GASP!  You also may have noticed that I have not been responding to your comments on I Read Banned Books.  I know that you are thinking I am a hypocrite or pathetic or both.  Actually, I have just had different priorities for the last few weeks.  Yes, I have ignored some of your blogs for as long as three weeks.  So, I am in my lover (Google Reader) today, and I did the unthinkable.  Yes, I MAAR (marked all as read).  With thousands of items to be read, it had to be done.  I was so overwhelmed that I was nauseated and sweating.  I have to admit that I am relieved that my lover is cleaned out, and I did a little happy dance after it was done.  Now, everyone should go and compose something fascinating to read because this post obviously is not my best work.  If I missed an important post, feel free to link to it in the comments to this entry, and I will visit you over this Labor Day weekend.

Teacher: Please put away your picture, Maria.

Maria: Okay, Mister.  (She then passes it to Angelica.)

Angelica: (To Maria):  Oh, look how cute!  I want one too.

Teacher: (Moving toward Maria and Angelica) Give me the picture.

Maria: But, Mister, it’s my ultrasound.

Maria recently turned 13.  She is seven months pregnant.  She’s not sure who her baby’s daddy is.  As I was retelling this story to the counselor, another 13 year old student’s mother came in to request her daughter be taken out of P.E. and put into health this semester because she is four months pregnant.

Effective immediately, we are shutting down all water fountains.  Sigh … if only it was that simple.  Babies are having babies.  And, yes, both mothers support their daughters keeping their unborn children.  I suppose you and I will be supporting them for the next 18 years.  I blame it all on Jamie Lynn Spears and Juno.  Seriously, times have changed.  I remember when my fourteen year old cousin (who is ten years younger than I am) got pregnant.  Her mother made her give the baby up for adoption.  Thirteen years later, she is a college graduate, married, and recently became a mother for the first time.  What a difference small town life and a little more than a decade makes.

What would you do if your teenager was pregnant or had impregnated someone?  If it were Monkey Boy, I would probably yell out “Inconceivable!” in my best Vizzini voice, knowing his personal hygiene percludes any girl every wanting to have sex with him, but I think if it did happen I would totally support the baby being put up for adoption.  Let’s hope you and I never have to be forced with making that decision for our minor children.

Now that school is back in session, it should come as no surprise that I will be blogging more about work.  This week’s Thursday Thirteen features phrases I have uttered several times a day to students over the first three days of school.  As you read them, I ask you to remember that being a middle school disciplinarian is a thankless job.

1.  There’s a new sheriff in town. (In response to “What happened to Mr. Johnson?  He was nice.”)

2.  Line, seat, or outside (These are the students’ options during lunch in the cafeteria.  You really never have experienced hormones on feet until you supervise a cafeteria of 11-15 year olds during lunch.)

3.  This is a one way hallway … go around. (The building is set up in very retro 60′s circular pods.  We actually have pie-shaped classrooms.)

4.  If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. (Usually before or after, “Tell me what happened.”)

5.  There are no bad students; only students who make bad choices. (I truly believe this.)

6.  Change into this shirt and bring me your shirt. (Dress code violation protocol)

7.  Walk.  Walk.  I said, WALK! (Sixth graders run everywhere.)

8.  Room 403 is in the 500 hallway. (It really is.  WTF?)

9.  Stand back behind the red line. (To keep students from crowding the 15 windows in the cafeteria)

10.  That was last year; this is this year. (In response to “last year we could.”)

11.  I don’t know.  Can you? (English teachers will get this one.)

12. Use the vending machines at your own risk. (We really do make a ton of money off the malfunctioning ones.)

13.  I’m blogging this. (Okay, maybe I say this one in my head.)

I am “a racist white bitch out to get black male students.”

The second day of school equaled my first encounter with the district-employee parent whose child can do no wrong.  Did you know that is acceptable to be disrespectful to three administrators if no one is listening to your side while you refuse to follow their directions regarding the school’s parent adopted standard school attire?

Um, yeah.  That was a fraction of my chaotic day today.  At least, Ruprecht says I am a hero.  Honestly, dude, I am not a hero, but I’ll admit that I hummed a little Bowie while reading your encomium and fantasized about beating down that ignorant parent while she slept.

Oh we can beat them
For ever and ever
Then we can be Heroes
Just for one day

We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
We can be Heroes
We’re nothing
And nothing will help us
Maybe we’re lying
Then you better not stay
But we could be safer
Just for one day

For the record (not that race matters in this or any incident that I handle), the black male student was suspended for three days for gross insubordination/disrespect to three cracker administrators.

And, guess what?  The region assistant superintendent is my hero because she upheld the three-day suspension the school administration issued when the parent called above our heads.

The first day of school was the typical first day of school.  There were several confused and crying staff members, parents, and students, and that was all before the initial bell rang.  Four buses were late.  One of the specials was dropped off at the wrong school.  One of my two campus security monitors called in sick fifteen minutes before her shift started.  25 students were out of the school’s standard attire and provided with dress code attire that I brought home to wash, dry, and fold tonight because I do not know if I am coming or going with a newbie partner and no administrative assistant.  I had to tell a vagrant who was dead passed out and reeking of alcohol in the trailer park portable classrooms learning cottages “vamanos muchacho” or I will “telefono el policio.”  I had a support staff member who spent more time wandering the hallways than being an instructional assistant all day.  There were no less than 30 students who were sent home because they failed to get the health district’s mandated vaccination to start the school year.  Two students were referred to the office for throwing another student out of his chair in the orchestra room, but they were “just playing.”

This was all before 10:30 this morning.  The afternoon was clearly just as twisted, but I will not bore you with further adventures into the secret life of a middle school disciplinarian for today.  Just know that there were no fights, weapons, or drugs for a change on the first day and that I am exhausted and going to bed early because I get to make a difference all over again tomorrow.

Oh, and the kiss?  Yes, a snotty, bawling sixth grader wanted to give me a hug and a kiss for helped her find her classroom after “some mean boy pushed me down and told me to go back to elementary, squirt.”  Yes, I passed on the kiss and gave her the hug instead.  I now have a fan club (of one), but it was a two snaps up kind of day when all was said and done.