Got Crack?
25 Jul
I shamelessly stole this post idea from Send Chocolate. TLC, there will nevah be decaf for me; I can sleep when I am dead.
Coffee is my lover; I am coffee’s bitch. Seriously, there are days when it is a matter of life and death. It is best not to speak to me until I have had at least one full cup of coffee. Today coffee has made me do silly and stupid things faster with more energy. Case in point is my Starbucks’ routine. Long time readers and real world friends know my real name. It is simple, easy to spell, and downright average, yet the baristas at Starbucks always misspell it and mispronounce it. Rather than being a phonics instructor every time I order a specialty coffee, I decided to have some fun with the staff starting about three years ago. When they ask me my name, I invent a new persona each time. Sometimes I am feminine; other times I am masculine. I have been Mae West, Charo, Anna Rice, Pink, Bettie Page, Janis Joplin, Tom Cruise, Scarlett O’Hara, Shaniqua, Reggie Bush, Abe Lincoln, Honey, Nina (as in Simone), Batman, James Bond, Miss Cleo, Fonky, Psycho Hose Beast, CajunVegan, and so many others.
Today I was dared to be Mariska (as in the very hot Hargitay by perpstu). I opted to try out Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt instead. The barista was new, and I rendered her speechless. She wrote Viv on the cup.
As the above results show, I am a coffee whore, but I am not a coffee snob. I love dark roasts the best. And, like a GRITS, Community Coffee will always be my poison.
Boog took the test too. Being the World of Warcraft geekdorknerd gamer for life and espresso fiend that he is, he should be near death. His results were hysterical and may explain his recent high cholesterol results.
I don’t know what coffee does for you, but I am pretty sure that without it my head would cave in and life would lose all meaning.
I Read Banned Books and CajunVegan are proudly powered by coffee (sometimes with Hazelnut creamer).
You have simply solidified what I already knew…just how f’ing awesome you really are! Somewhere, somehow, we are related, I swear! *MUAHHHHHHHHHH!*
You ROCK!
Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!! I LOVE IT! I’m going as Deuce McAllister.
Although, then, I’d be standing there like a dork when they called out “Deuce.” “Deuce” over and over again, and I just look at them like, what? Because I forgot I was Deuce.
Life would definitely lose all meaning.
I’ve had to go decaf for various reasons, but I’d rather have good coffee than chocolate. Which led to the quest for choice in decaf beans. Thank goodness for the internet and the USPS.
I had something witty and profound to say… but damn, that shit was funny!
Yeah, and I like my coffee plain. Like coffee flavoured.
HAH! I am with Boog on the Delusionary scale. 229 clicks in 30 seconds! And I am with Denis. 4 dollar cup of pansy ass coffee..phht.
Funny, they seem to rarely have problems spelling my name correctly, even though it isn’t a usual spelling. I must somehow emanate that spelling, communicating it through caffeine-needy osmosis…
Next time, you could do a Bart-calling-Moe’s and see if they yell out “Ivana Humpalot” or Ima Hogg”…but that really works over the phone better than in a coffee line.
“…there will nevah be decaf for me; I can sleep when I am dead.”
You are so right sista! Bring on the dark roast. You are as Twila Marie points out f’ing awesome.
I’ve been drinking hi-test iced coffee all afternoon and the test said my level was LOW-Slight Buzz. Maybe I need a new mouse. I’m definitely irritated enough to know the caffeine is working.
Now we know!
I’ll make sure to never be too loud when you haven’t had your caffeine yet!
Vibrating Crackhead – Yep, that describes me too. My local CrackBucks knows me by name now. Normally that just yell ‘Grande whatever’ but with me I get a ‘Bec’ and looked at by most of the people there… Yep, I’m a rock star in the coffee shop.
Greetings from a fellow Crackbucks. Whore! Great post.
@ TwilaMarie ~ You are the Arkansas to my Louisiana.
@ Saintseester ~ Morten Anderson is my old school favorite.
@ Saintseester ~ Not to be confused with Dooce, of course.
@ Nunsense ~ Coffee is my religion.
@ Greytfriend ~ Decaf is the anti-Christ.
@ Magneto Bold Too ~ I love that you can spell flavored as “flavoured” and not look like you are trying to be an Aussie.
@ Starrlight ~ Quadruple espressos all around!
@ Liprap ~ If I channeled my inner Bart Simpson, I’d use Ollie Tabooger.
@ VeronicaLynne ~ See the comment for @Greytfriend above.
@ Nunsense ~ Add caffeine to get the instant human.
@ Claudia ~ SHOUT IT ALL OUT!
@ Bec ~ I am a snarkstar!
@ Just4Moi ~ I often ask myself when I became a consumer whore.