I Read Banned Books

The Edie Brickell earworm, “What I Am” has been in my head for a solid week.  Today, I took it to mean that I am supposed to be inspired by her lyrics.  I joked that I was channeling my inner Jedi on Twitter and Plurk, but we all know that the psycho hose beast always comes out to play when I feel that I have been uninspired or wronged.  I know I said I was at acceptance on Tuesday, but I found out yesterday that yet another promotion possibility went to a man.  Inspired by Citizen Jane to find some music that soothes my savage soul, I found that:

1. I’m not aware of too many things.
2. I’m only happy when it rains.
3. I am 32 flavors and then some.
4. I ain’t got no … (promotion) … but I got life.
6. I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one.
7. I’m a woman, and the best is yet to come.
8. I’m a restless spirit on an endless flight.
9. I’m a hazard to myself.
10. I wish the real world would stop hassling me.
11. I’ve got a love that is all mine.
12. I want to shake my money maker.
13. I’ve got such a long way to go.
14. I don’t know; it’s just the way I am.

From Paul Simon’s wife to Slim Shady in 13 steps … I am fucking fabulous.

(Edited to include linky-links on Friday because if it is TL I know you DR, Boog.  And #2 and #9 are for you.)

“Young men and women, study yourself.  See who you really want to be and as soon as you see it, say it.  Put it out into the universe.  You must say it and then go about the business of becoming it.”

~ Maya Angelou

Summer break is over for me in 15 days.  I am still hoping to get promoted in order to avoid the transfer reassignment to IDHMS 2.0.  It is what it is.  I am gainfully employed; that is the bright side.  I know my time will come.  I have reached a weird level of acceptance that something better awaits me.  I just hope it finds me in the next two weeks.

I cleaned up Monkey Boy’s piss off the bathroom floor earlier tonight.  Seriously?  WTF is wrong with this kid?

Moments after the bleach scouring ended, this exchange occurred:

CV:  Dude, if you cannot control your member, you need to sit on the toilet and pee like a girl.  HOLD. YOUR. PENIS.  AIM. FOR. THE. WATER.  FLUSH.  WASH. YOUR. HANDS.

MB:  I’m sorry.

CV:  I’m sorry.  Really?  If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie it the fuck up.

MB:  I sit when I pee.

CV:  That makes it even more ludicrous because there was pee on the side of the toilet too.

I was so infuriated and high on bleach fumes that I immediately went to seething and to Plurking about it.  Boog came in to the living room and said that he was making Monkey Boy take an aptitude test online.  I encouraged him to drill him on peeing in the toilet first.

I know you want to hear the results of Monkey Boy’s aptitude test.  Wait for it.  It shall not disappoint.

Monkey Boy will be a pharmacist.  He has the “gift to see abstract information and make sense of it.”  This is accompanied with his “eye for detail.”  My step-slave is going to be my drug dealer.  Sweet.  If he does learn to bathe, deordorize, and pee in the toilet, I am going to need some recreational pharmaceuticals.

His acuity score was extremely high.  If Monkey Boy has the ability to do routine tasks quickly and with great accuracy, why was there pee on the side of the toilet and the floor?  Recommended careers included filing, typing and computer operating, and quality inspection.  ROTFLMAO.

Fast forward to tomorrow morning …

CV: Smell that? You smell that?

MB: What?

CV: Bleach, son. Nothing in the world smells like that.

CV: I love the smell of bleach in the morning. You know, one time you are going to scrub the bathroom for 12 hours. When it is all over, I will walk in.  I better not find one sprinkle, not one stinkin’ piss spot. The smell, you know that clean smell, better drift over the whole house.  Smells like … victory. Someday this war’s gonna end …

Tense Teacher called this the Think Hard Meme.  I am not thinking very hard these days being on summer break and spending all my extra time on Plurk, so maybe it is time to do some deep thinking and get back in the groove of life.

Insomnia is still my closest companion these days.  I went to sleep around 3 AM and woke around 7:10 AM to that familiar bed-shaking ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  I put my earplugs in, flipped to the opposite end of the bed, placed the pillow firmly against my ear with my arm extending over my head, and attempted to go back to sleep.  At 8:00, I gave up the good fight, rose, moved to the couch, and surprisingly went back to sleep there, waking at 11:50, and wondering where the morning went.   The DW’s (don’t wanna’s for the new readers) and lazies have been calling ever since.  We decided to venture out around 3 PM and headed straight to The Hush Puppy for some soul food:  all-you-can-eat fried catfish and Abita Beer.  The food coma set in about 4:30, and it has been “Is it bedtime yet?” ever since.  Hopefully, my melatonin purchase today will be a step in the right direction.  If it doesn’t work, I will be awake … again … at the ass-crack of dawn.

How many keys are on your keychain?

Are you the Keymaster?

If you were given a canvas and watercolors, what would you paint?

Can I play here instead?

What do you regard as the most repulsive form of music?

I seriously love all music.  “You can see colors through music… Anything human can be felt through music which means there is no limit to the creating that can be done… it’s infinite.” – Nina Simone

Whose mind, besides your own, would you like to control?

Monkey Boy’s

What is the most dangerous occupation?

In Las Vegas, it would be structural iron and steelworkers dropping off the City Center project.  Here’s something I saw this week that is current as of 2006.

What is the first thing you do when you get out of bed?

Snooze the alarm clock and crawl back in for 9 minutes unless I really have to pee.

What do you consider the greatest threat to mankind?

Ignorance

If you could project yourself into the past, where would you go?

The fucking fabulous 1950′s

What are you thankful you are not doing right now?

Working at In Da Hood Middle School

What is your favorite kind of candy?

Sour Patch Kids or Sour Skittles

What is your favorite thing about the beach?

Watching the tide ebb and flow

If you were invisible, where would you go?

Not to sound a little cliche, I’d go around the world and back again.

What is one object in your home that you are embarrassed to own?

Fill in the blank; When I dance, I look like …

A crazy white girl

Who is one person you wish you would have never met?

No regrets ~ just lessons learned

What is your favorite fruit?

Berries, melons, and oranges

What is your favorite kind of cookie?

Forgotten cookies

If you were an evil dictator, where would you rule?

The Internet

What do you need to get right now at the drug store?

Xanax

What song do you keep hearing over and over again?

“Groovin’” by The Rascals

What was the happiest age of your life?

From 25 on … And I owe it all to Boog

What is your favorite piece of clothing that you own?

Meh.  Nothing fits right now.

What two words describe your lifestyle?

Simple yet stressful

Which ocean creature fascinates you most?

Orca

On a scale of 1-10, how religious are you?

1 (I do believe that one can have faith without being religious.)

What historical figure would you most like to have a discussion with?

Mahatma Gandhi

What color looks best on you?

Anything besides yellow

What is your favorite thing about being sick?

Sleeping like the dead

What’s new?

My work assignment/location for the 08-09 school year

Why are you here right now?

The Cult of Insanity dictates I post every day all year, and the perfectionist in me cannot fail.

What commercial do you find most annoying?

Embarq’s Muttonhead commerical

What was your favorite meal growing up?

Boiled crawfish with all the fixins

If you had to spend the rest of your life in one place, where would it be?

The Deep South

Fill in the blank: I am so much smarter than …

… everyone else on this planet

What one person or thing reminds you of the 80s?

Brat Pack

What is college really good for?

Improving the quality of your life

Where is the most beautiful place you have ever been?

Grand Canyon

What body part aches you the most right now?

My right ear … I am pretty sure it is infected.

When is the angriest you have ever been?

I may never discuss this publicly. 

What do you waste your time doing?

Plurking

On a scale of 1-10; how much do you trust people?

7

If you were forced to choose your own death, how would you die?

On my own terms with no regrets

On a scale of 1-10; how photogenic are you?

I’m at least an 8; did you see my de-gooniegoogoofication?

What aspect of your personality could use a little work?

My lack of patience

What is your greatest addiction?

Shoes, purses, CDs, and books equally

What issue are you sick of hearing about?

The price of oil

If you were a professional wrestler, what would your ring name be?

Psycho Hose Beast

What language would you like to master?

Spanish

What is your favorite dish at a Chinese restaurant?

Orange chicken

Whom would you least likely expect a phone call from?

Anyone in Boog’s family

What is the longest you have ever gone without a shower?

2-3 days when really sick or hospitalized?

What is the saddest movie you have ever seen?

Artificial Intelligence: AI

What time do you usually fall asleep?

Currently, wheneverthefuck my brain stops.

Where is the worst place to be stuck waiting?

Quick Care

What is the cutest animal on Earth?

The Boston Terrier

Name one celebrity who has no right being a celebrity.

Paris Hilton

What hobby have you always wanted to pick up?

Yoga

Today I was waxed, plucked, soaked, scrubbed, loafaed, razored, picked, clipped, lotioned, massaged, painted, dried, dyed, shampooed, conditioned, scissored, shaved, blown, flat-ironed, and beautified.  Yeah, one must suffer to be fucking fabulous.

(first blog visage ever)

Best of all, it was a beautiful day.  I spent most of the afternoon in the company of a lifer friend, perpstu, and a new friend, “D,” which extended to a late lunch and conversation that will never be repeated on this blog.  There were no asshats, wannabes, or nibbling fish, and I have the above rockstar hairdo for my return to real world hassles from summer break in less than three weeks.

I hope you are having an ass-kicking weekend too.

One more thing:  The first person to remember and comment as to where the title originated gets a fucking fabulous surprise.

I shamelessly stole this post idea from Send Chocolate.  TLC, there will nevah be decaf for me; I can sleep when I am dead.

Coffee is my lover; I am coffee’s bitch.  Seriously, there are days when it is a matter of life and death.  It is best not to speak to me until I have had at least one full cup of coffee.  Today coffee has made me do silly and stupid things faster with more energy.  Case in point is my Starbucks’ routine.  Long time readers and real world friends know my real name.  It is simple, easy to spell, and downright average, yet the baristas at Starbucks always misspell it and mispronounce it.  Rather than being a phonics instructor every time I order a specialty coffee, I decided to have some fun with the staff starting about three years ago.  When they ask me my name, I invent a new persona each time.  Sometimes I am feminine; other times I am masculine.  I have been Mae West, Charo, Anna Rice, Pink, Bettie Page, Janis Joplin, Tom Cruise, Scarlett O’Hara, Shaniqua, Reggie Bush, Abe Lincoln, Honey, Nina (as in Simone), Batman, James Bond, Miss Cleo, Fonky, Psycho Hose Beast, CajunVegan, and so many others.

Today I was dared to be Mariska (as in the very hot Hargitay by perpstu).  I opted to try out Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt instead.  The barista was new, and I rendered her speechless.  She wrote Viv on the cup.

As the above results show, I am a coffee whore, but I am not a coffee snob.  I love dark roasts the best.  And, like a GRITS, Community Coffee will always be my poison.

Boog took the test too.  Being the World of Warcraft geekdorknerd gamer for life and espresso fiend that he is, he should be near death.  His results were hysterical and may explain his recent high cholesterol results.

I don’t know what coffee does for you, but I am pretty sure that without it my head would cave in and life would lose all meaning.

I Read Banned Books and CajunVegan are proudly powered by coffee (sometimes with Hazelnut creamer).