A Tactile Nuclear Weapon Made of Estrogen And Evil
30 Jun
I have nothing to wear because the dryer shrunk all of my clothes, including my bras and panties. I want to bathe in chocolate but Nutella would work in a pinch since I am out of chocolate chips. Oh, yeah, I ate the entire 12 oz. bag last night. I hate men. All of them. Including George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Justin Timberlake. What is this thing called daylight? Why does it feel like it is 125 fucking degrees when the thermostat says it is 78? It took every fiber of my being not to crack Boog’s skull with the dirty dish he left in the sink “to soak because it had cheese on it.” I put a white t-shirt on and took it right back off when I looked in the mirror and saw the Michelin Man staring right back at me. I have a zit the size of a dime on the side of my nose, another one next to my ear, and a third one on my chin. The men in white coats are coming to take me away any minute. No one wants to tell me I am fucking fabulous today. I told the cashier at the grocery store to fuck off because he commented on how many candy bars and cartons of ice cream I had on the belt. He somehow overlooked the tampons, ibuprofen, kleenex, vodka, and ammunition though. I swear every person has shit in their pants. Seriously, what is that smell? I ate three plates at a seafood buffet (including the cake, cookies, and ice cream for dessert) and followed it with an extra large smoothie less than two hours later. I cried when watching Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels, then I laughed at what a fucking trainwreck Corey Haim is only ten minutes later. I don’t snore, Boog. When did you become an Ear Nose and Throat Specialist? I have sinus problems. You snore. We bought his and hers humidifiers today, so I can prove that sucker wrong. Should I stop drinking coffee? I have had heartburn and been sick to my stomach with nausea and diarrhea for two solid days. Slip on shoes are the best thing since sliced bread. Spenser, if you lick my glasses one more time, I am going to throw you across the room. Move. Just move. You are breathing on me. I want to be alone. I want a hug. How loud does the TV have to be when you are six feet away from it? Turn up the TV I cannot hear it now. If I step on another half-eaten carrot when I am peeing for the hundredth time today in the middle of the night, someone is going to be helping me scour the house at the ass-crack of dawn. I’m so tired, but I have not slept more than five hours in over a week. Don’t even get me started on the promotion I am waiting to hear about. The good luck charms, prayers, crossed fingers (and toes), Buddha belly words, gris-gris, and wishes on falling stars or at 11:11 are NOT working. Maybe it is time to get the voodoo doll out. Is it possible for your hair to hurt? Don’t ask me if I am feeling better. Ooh, I laughed and smiled at one of Boog’s jokes. No, I am NOT feeling better. No, I don’t want you to sleep on the couch. I’ll be there when you start snoring again in ten minutes while I am making a mental list of all the chores I am going to do tomorrow. I need to clean the blinds, organize the closet, alphabetize our 500 plus CDs, and rearrange the books on our shelves by color. That reminds me of Skittles. I want some sour skittles. Will you go to 7-11 for me? Nevermind. Whatever. I’ll just do it myself. I missed you. Do you want some? No, not that kind of some. Don’t touch my boobs; they hurt. I have a headache. I’m suddenly very tired again. Did you swap out my pillow? I need a vacation away from my vacation. Yes, I am still waiting for Aunt Flo to arrive so we can ride the cotton pony over the rainbow where blue birds fly.
You are definitely fucking hilarious, and I’m glad I’m many, many miles away from you right now.
Oh. My. God. I AM that woman, especially the part about the Nutella and cleaning…
Is your sense of smell incredibly keen?
As I’m reading this, I see the people in dark suits with their religious papers going from door to door in the neighborhood. Can I borrow some of your PMS-ness so that when I answer the door, it will be to make sure that they never, ever return to this house again?
Inhale….exhale….inhale….exhale……okay….ready, set, DRINK!
I gotta say I am glad I don’t get your version of PMS, cause I am like that the other 3 weeks of the month. My daughter would be motherless as I would be in jail
Whoa. If I didn’t know better I’d say that my wife wrote this.
but you ARE fucking fabulous!!!
Huh. Maybe if you worked to be happy in your life all of your unhappiness wouldn’t spill out once a month. I know that’s a bitchy thing to say. I just believe that what happens at this “time of the month” is all the repressed stuff we don’t deal with.
and I’m impatient for you to be happy – that’s all – impatient.
I don’t read blogs very often and I don’t know what made me click on your Plurk for this blog, but I am so happy I did. To say ditto is not enough because I am not nearly as creative with my words when it comes to explaining how I feel during the ‘aunt visit’, did I say during? I mean before, during, and after. Keep this up I’m a huge fan! (p.s. you totally need to publish this stuff, shit, if everyone else can write a book I see no reason why you couldn’t!!)
ha ha ha – I’m pmsy too. I’m eating an entire box of kraft mac and cheese right now.
Damn. My forehead broke out, which is a harbinger of my period that I haven’t experienced in a while. Can I borrow some of your abfab whoop-ass for a while? I think I’m gonna need it…
I know you probably didn’t intend for me to laugh, but this is hysterical. We’ve all felt some of those things a lot of the time and are often afraid to say it, let alone publish it on our blogs. BTW.. You are fabulous! But I still don’t understand the carrots.
You are amazing. So colorful. I could almost picture everything in real life. I hope you get through this, the sooner the better.
@ Avitable ~ I’ blushing. High praise from the Almighty Avitable. I’m not worthy. And, yeah, my husband wishes he was back in his home state of FL right now, too.
@ Mrs. Chili ~ Nutella is good on so many other foods. I just like to stick my finger is the jar and slurp it up.
@ Natalie ~ Yes, my sense of smell is heightened during this week.
@ Dingo ~ Don’t even get me started on Thumpers.
@ fandpinlv ~ Yeah, this one is a bitch. It’s usually only one or two days. Three going on four makes Boog want to rent a hotel room.
@ Starrlight ~ Jail is still a possibility for me.
@ Jack ~ Just don’t tell her she does the same thing.
@ Janet ~ Thanks, I needed that.
@ Claudia ~ This blog is how I deal with stuff. I love your concern. It means the world to me.
@ Caffeine Addict ~ Thanks, I’m glad I was click worthy. I am working on a book.
@ Saintseester ~ Well, they say our cycles sync.
@ Liprap ~ Sure, but I am confident you can channel your own whoop-ass all by yourself.
@ MissAttitude ~ There are times when I wonder if I should not have gone there. Thanks!
@ Mel ~ Is colorful a euphemism for bat shit crazy?
Whoa! From this point on I am turning to your blog when I’m experiencing PMS.
You made me laugh. You’ve made it clear I am NOT crazy and if I am I’m in excellent company.
holy hell, and you dames wonder why men die early?!?