Thursdays at I Read Banned Books may never be the same. Today I will either lose a few prudish readers or gain a few sick and depraved ones. I love the twisties the most anyway. I won’t apologize because my body = my choice. Besides I am on staycation until August, and there is nothing work-worthy to share. Last week was my annual feel up and fingering from the twat doc, and it inspired this post.
13 Things I Heard from the Twat Doc And His Assistant During My Annual Gynecological Exam (in no particular order)
- Scoooooooooot. Scoot again. Stop. Perfect.
- When was your last period? Are you sure you aren’t pregnant?
- Here are your orders for blood work and a mammogram … which are both way past due.
- You have a small cervix … a really small cervix.
- 37, huh? You know, you’re not getting any younger.
- Relax.
- Open your legs a little wider.
- This might be a little cold. You’ll feel a little pinch.
- So, how often do you have sex?
- Why are you here today?
- Everything off. Gown opens from the front.
- Don’t you want children?
- Did you empty your bladder? There are cleansing wipes in the restroom. Remember to wipe from front to back.
Look, Ma, No Profanity! Twat is not profanity, nor is it a filthy word.
So, were you taking notes or recording to capture these? I’m not sure what’s worse!
you can pretty much sort out the assistant comments from those of the doc!
Ok, that’s so not nearly as bad as I expected you were going to be. lol
I hate going to the twat doc… guess I’d better call and make an appointment
He didn’t really say, “you’re not getting any younger,” did he? I would have taken my foot out of the stirrups and kicked him in the face.
Heh. Nothing like a small cervix…I was picturing Patch Adams’ memorable greeting to the participants in an OB/GYN meeting: “Welcome Gynos…At Your Cervix.”
I love it!!!!! I have my own twat doc visit coming up, I wonder how many of these I will hear…
Thankfully, I’m mail. I hereby spare all from posts such as this in so being.
Wondering if you were tipsy when you went in. I’m thinkin’ yeppers. Why else the “primer” on which way to wipe?
Bestest ……………………………………… Ruprecht
One time, when I was early 20s and uninsured I went to the ‘free clinic’. *read like you’re the girl who went to band camp*
The waiting room scared me into celebacy.
“Did you have yo’ baby out da’ cooch, or did ya get cut?”
Yeahhh.
It’s that damn little pinch that gets you.
Oh, bejeebus - were you taking notes the last time I was there? Well, I’m SO much younger than you (31), so I guess you weren’t there.
HERlarious.
LOL! I’ll bet there’s a script they have to memorize in med school, because they all say exactly the same things.
Or at least if memory serves. I haven’t been since my 3rd child was born–almost 14 years ago. Probably should go, huh?
I’m thankful for my doctor now. She doesn’t ask most of those things. In fact, we have great discussions and I’m sorry I don’t have more reason to see her anymore. (she also never comments on my age or asks how often I have sex. Thankfully; I’d switch doctors if she did!)
ROFL! Yeah well the TT’ers are gonna love mine today. Not politically correct at all. And your OB is rude!
If they call THAT a “little pinch,” where did they learn description, is what I want to know.
Ugh. My appointment comes up in a few weeks…. blech…
All right all right I’ll come right out and say it, I’m a twistie! Glad I don’t have to experience that, but not looking forward to the prostate exam in the future. Happy TT
Of course, I was hoping to see, “since we decided to have a baby this year” or something like that. Where are you in this process? Have you and Boog talked again about it? Nosey people want to know!
Oh, I supposed that makes me sick and depraved but I’ve been here a while, I’m not new!
Great post! It’s amazing the stuff they say to you sometimes. I just dragged my blogger friend to my annual exam and we had WAY too much fun. Brought our camera with, too. Check out my WW from last week if you want to see the pics.
LOL too funny!
I’m surprised they didn’t ask why you didn’t have a design shaved in! Jeez!
They actually asked you how often you have sex?!?!? That can’t be relevant.
Your twat doctor is a twit.
I have small cervix AND a small uterus, too. Cause: underuse.
Did you know that if you don’t have sex for an entire year, you can actually get away with being late for your annual? It’s true. That whole thing about being a born again virgin has some medical validity after all.
Interesting 13. Mine is Eat, Drink and be Merry - 13 Last Words, Excerpt: Judaism instructs us to enjoy the simple gifts that God gives in the present world. Eat, drink and be merry. Enjoy this life, on this Earth, in this time. I have collected for your enjoyment the last words of some of our more famous fellow human beings involving food or drink before they died.
Asks why do they think it’s okay to make us feel old and judge our cervixes? Is that the plural of cervix? Wait, did I just comment ala Plurk style? Sorry. I’m an addict. You crack me up by the way, I would have never thought to blog my GYN visit! lol.
I always call it my “Looking Good visit”, I think Joan Rivers came up with that one. Just got myself a new doc this year and love, love, love her, my ob who delivered my three sons, just was getting a little too grumpy.
Small cervix…at least he didn’t say big butt.
Great title to get people to visit!!
@ fandpinlv ~ In my moleskin from the table.
@ YatPundit ~ You sure can. Well, some were said by each of them.
@ Cable Girl ~ I had put it off longer than I should have. My last doctor died.
@ Di ~ He sure did. The audacity of some people.
@ liprap ~ I forgot about that. LMAO.
@ poppingbubbles ~ Aren’t they universal?
@ Ruprecht ~ I think you have your homophones mixed up, but thanks for stopping by anyway. I guess you are a twistie. And, yes, they tell you which way to wipe like a bunch of asshats.
@ MissRiss ~ I have a friend who calls it her cooch. LMAO.
@ Saintseester ~ I think they think they are doing us a favor by giving a play by play. I only appreciated that the very first time I ever went.
@ A Whole Lot of Nothing ~ Age is just a number, bitch.
@ Darla ~ Get thee to a Twat Doc immediately!
@ Susan ~ I thought that was a normal question to ask for a long time.
@ Starrlight ~ I actually kind of liked him. I kept laughing the whole time thinking I am so gonna blog about this.
@ Mrs. Chili ~ This is the 5th OBGYN I’ve had, and they all say “little pinch.” WTF?
@ Chris ~ Bend over and cough!
@ Claudia ~ Sadly, it might never happen.
@ Not Afraid to Use It ~ Bwahahahahaha! I did not have a friend to take photos.
@ Stace ~ Y’all come back now; ya’ hear?
@ Janet ~ How do you know I didn’t have a design shaved in?
@ Robin ~ I answered not nearly enough.
@ Nina ~ That would be possible.
@ Bernie ~ This post is supposed to be about me. Jeez! Thanks for stopping by.
@ MissAttitude ~ He also said, “Has anyone ever told you that?”
@Jennymcb ~ People visit because I am fucking fabulous. I hope you will be back with the other twisties.
Holy cow…I am SO glad I’m not a woman, and have to deal with all of this fun stuff y’all do every year. And #13 was priceless; do they really think you need lessons on how to wipe???
Happy TT!!!!
I applaud you for resisting from kicking him in the face while it was right there.
my old gyno was an enlightened woman who ran the speculum under the hot water before she used it… no, it did not feel cold, and she never ever pinched at all. (It takes one to know one I think.) Unfortunately she retired so I haven’t had a pelvic exam since. I think I fixed your access to the you-know-what…
I still hate wordpress
@ Bubba ~ Oh, yes, she went there.
@ Sandy ~ I felt the same after it was over, but I knew it would be a good story to retell.
@ Nunsense ~ I swear it was on ice. Is WP being a beotch to you? I still love it except for the snafu I am experiencing with the password for your blog.