This one might take a while so you may want to make yourself a spot of tea or click next blog.
- To the beotch cat who pees on the hallway carpet daily: Pack your litter box. You are out of here. I am sick and tired of opening my front door to the unmistakable aroma of Pekoe piss.
- To KDW and RJW: If you want a beotch cat, you can have her. I’ll even give you permission to let her live outdoors. Hell, if the coyotes want to make her their lunch or their bitch, they can have her crazy beotch ass.
- To the Devil Wears Purple: I’m sorry you were ill the last two days, but I so enjoyed the vacation. You might want to get some antibiotics. God forbid that you are sick for more than a couple of days in a row.
- To my lovely friends at Syzdekistan: He’s beautiful. Take care of yourselves. I hope to meet your latest progeny soon.
- To the pollen: GO AWAY! I’m miserable! It’s only March 14 (Happy Pi Day, BTW) and looks like this will be a long ass spring and hot summer.
- To the single white female campus security monitor I attempt to supervise on a daily basis: Don’t talk on the radio ever. You have the most irritating voice I have heard since my Sybil’s. No wonder you have two ex-husbands. Also, don’t wear shorts again until you get some sun or use a self-tanner. I so understand why you are a SWF.
- To the single black female campus security monitor I attempt to supervise on a daily basis: You have already received a written warning for your daily tardiness. Stop having babies and get to work on time.
- To Booger Bear: I love you to the sky, but I need you to … nevermind, too many things to list right now.
- To my sister: Hang in there. It’s almost over. I am so proud of you.
- To my parents: When did you become so mean? Get a clue. They are your blood.
- To my “festive” neighbors: Hey, when did you finally take the lights down? I have been too busy to notice.
- To my other neighbors: If that moving fan is a meth lab, I am so snitching on you to the po-po. Move it or lose it.
- To the young lady (and I use that term loosely)wearing the BeBe tube top under your open sweater at lunch today, don’t shake it like a Polaroid picture. It was not flattering at all. You may want to even consider breast reduction surgery when you are a little older.
- To the Gideon people: Thanks for honoring the separation of Church and State today by meeting students on the sidewalk. It was heartwarming to hear “Jose” ask for three little orange bibles so that he could give one to each of his little brothers too when he got home. I guess they aren’t all gang bangers after all.
- To the American Idol stylists: Leave Sanjaya Malakar’s hair alone. If he survives another week, I also hope he just comes out of the closet.
- To Paula Abdul: Have a little rum with your Coca Cola.
- To the Terrorist: What is up with your obsession with cat turds, rice cakes, and carrots? Yes, these truly are three of his favorite snacks in the house.
- To the W’s again: Seriously, you really can have her. She would fit right in with your growing hamster family.
And, last, but certainly not least:
- Note to myself: You finally made the appointment. Hopefully, they won’t take you away.
The W’s will trade you one beyotch peeing cat for two pooping dogs and 6 guinea pigs….EGAD, when did our house become a zoo!
Thanks, but no thanks!
A machnbyrd can dream; can’t she?