I Read Banned Books

Yeah, I am officially a perra. Today a 4-foot-nothing-11-year-old Hispanic male called me a bitch in Spanish to my face. That’s Mrs. Perra to you, Eduardo! Don’t make me go psycho hose beast on your ass! I’ve seen my name + profanity on the bathroom wall before, but no one has ever had the cojones to say it to my face in front of 10-12 witnesses.

Honestly, hasn’t that word lost its meaning in any language? The sad part is that it did not infuriate me as much as the student who started a food fight in the cafeteria at breakfast on Friday morning. Either I am becoming desensitized to profanity, or pranks and stupidity now outrank infractions like “unacceptable school language.” Whatever … as the hormones on feet love to say!

Did you notice the links? How cool is it that Wikipedia has it all?

toothpastefordinner.com

I would give my first born or maybe move back home (GASP!) for some mudbugs right about now. Did I say that aloud?

Or, should I say … I’ve got to get my three beotch cats one of these, or would that be three of these? Click here if you are a crazy beotch cat owner. While it does sound pretty convincing, the hefty price tag is a little disconcerting. I don’t know. We used to own one of these, and I loved it (until it died). BB and I are open to suggestions on the Pekoe issue. I really don’t want to bring her to one of those places, but we are completely at our wit’s end. Do I even go there with the cat diapers? The three separate litter boxes with three separate types of litter, the Feliway, and the kitty prozac have failed as well. Help!

… because I just realized that St. Patty’s Day and April Fool’s Day are both on weekends this year!

Dude, this seriously rocks when you are a disciplinarian in a middle school. I am stoked.

… had two alcoholic beverages within the first 45 minutes of coming home from work today.

In the immortal words of Chris Tucker: “’cause it’s Friday; you ain’t got no job… and you ain’t got shit to do.” What other reason did I need?

… I met Olive on CU today.

The Terrorist could use a little sistah. I think “Olive” would be an appropriate name because I would love her … get it?

… Rebelicious

Everyone in Las Vegas has Rebel Fever.

… my favorite Flavor of the Month reveals her artistic/comedic side in a second blog.

Check out her disclaimer. I think it is hilarious that a nun has to add a disclaimer on her blog.

This one might take a while so you may want to make yourself a spot of tea or click next blog.

• To the beotch cat who pees on the hallway carpet daily: Pack your litter box. You are out of here. I am sick and tired of opening my front door to the unmistakable aroma of Pekoe piss.
• To KDW and RJW: If you want a beotch cat, you can have her. I’ll even give you permission to let her live outdoors. Hell, if the coyotes want to make her their lunch or their bitch, they can have her crazy beotch ass.
• To the Devil Wears Purple: I’m sorry you were ill the last two days, but I so enjoyed the vacation. You might want to get some antibiotics. God forbid that you are sick for more than a couple of days in a row.
• To my lovely friends at Syzdekistan: He’s beautiful. Take care of yourselves. I hope to meet your latest progeny soon.
• To the pollen: GO AWAY! I’m miserable! It’s only March 14 (Happy Pi Day, BTW) and looks like this will be a long ass spring and hot summer.
• To the single white female campus security monitor I attempt to supervise on a daily basis: Don’t talk on the radio ever. You have the most irritating voice I have heard since my Sybil’s. No wonder you have two ex-husbands. Also, don’t wear shorts again until you get some sun or use a self-tanner. I so understand why you are a SWF.
• To the single black female campus security monitor I attempt to supervise on a daily basis: You have already received a written warning for your daily tardiness. Stop having babies and get to work on time.
• To Booger Bear: I love you to the sky, but I need you to … nevermind, too many things to list right now.
• To my sister: Hang in there. It’s almost over. I am so proud of you.
• To my parents: When did you become so mean? Get a clue. They are your blood.
• To my “festive” neighbors: Hey, when did you finally take the lights down? I have been too busy to notice.
• To my other neighbors: If that moving fan is a meth lab, I am so snitching on you to the po-po. Move it or lose it.
• To the young lady (and I use that term loosely)wearing the BeBe tube top under your open sweater at lunch today, don’t shake it like a Polaroid picture. It was not flattering at all. You may want to even consider breast reduction surgery when you are a little older.
• To the Gideon people: Thanks for honoring the separation of Church and State today by meeting students on the sidewalk. It was heartwarming to hear “Jose” ask for three little orange bibles so that he could give one to each of his little brothers too when he got home. I guess they aren’t all gang bangers after all.
• To the American Idol stylists: Leave Sanjaya Malakar’s hair alone. If he survives another week, I also hope he just comes out of the closet.
• To Paula Abdul: Have a little rum with your Coca Cola.
• To the Terrorist: What is up with your obsession with cat turds, rice cakes, and carrots? Yes, these truly are three of his favorite snacks in the house.
• To the W’s again: Seriously, you really can have her. She would fit right in with your growing hamster family.

And, last, but certainly not least:

• Note to myself: You finally made the appointment. Hopefully, they won’t take you away.

Countdown To Spring Break