I Read Banned Books

There was a family who had three cats and one dog. The middle cat often meowed to her father, “Please, let me roam free out of this house.” On one brisk Thanksgiving morn, the male owner opened his screen door, leaving the rambunctious dog to do his business. Not long after that, the middle cat got a wild hair up her butt, fled from the constraints of the backyard, and ventured to whereabouts unknown.

After she left the home, there was a massive search throughout the entire neighborhood, and the owners began to fear the worst. As “luck” might have it, this kitty was “special.” Yes, she was loved from the moment she attached herself to her owner’s arm in the pet store some eight years earlier, but she was special in the medical sense of the word as well. She had her own idiosyncrasies and eccentricities. A veterinarian once commented that she suffered from OCD and separation anxiety and has since been medicated. Her front claws were removed, and she was spayed as she was never meant to be an outdoor kitty. Many times her owners declared aloud, “Effin’, Pekoe! Why do you gorge and puke? Why do you pee on cool, flat surfaces but never in your three provided litter boxes?”

But while she was Lost, her owners longed for her and felt morose at the thought of losing her forever. They made fliers and planned to visit every animal shelter in Sin City the next day hoping to find their Pekoe Bear. They left food and treats throughout the yard and cracked the door in the hopes of her eventual return. Fifteen hours later, a loud “thunk” and “meow” was heard from the retaining wall. Seconds later one of her owners saw her run through the open door and was filled with happiness and relief for her; she ran to her “special kitty,” threw her arms around her and embraced her. The middle kitty said to her, “I once was lost, but now I’m found! There’s no place like home.” Then the owner said to her other pets, “Quick! Let’s give her a brush and a bath for she stinks. Let’s feed her for she is obviously hungry. Let’s trust her to go out on your own because she can always come home again.”

Meanwhile, the other cats and the dog pouted throughout the house. The dog commented, “Woof! That crazy beotch cat is home again.” “My beloved pets,” the owner said, “you are always near me, and I even allow you to sleep in my bed. But we must celebrate and be happy because your sister is home again, and it is past time for her meds!”